My life as it stands…

I told you my writing would have a whirlwind of various topics. This is one of them. Perhaps this is one i would rather not write but as I also once said I’m writing some of this because I don’t know where else to say it. So here we go…

As the title of this article implies I suffer from insomnia. To be clear I may sleep more than my fair share but some days I sleep from 4 am-noon and some days I sleep from 7 am-1 pm some days not at all. I sleep during every part of the day except for when i need to. Now we live in the age of google and web M.D. and of course I’ve gone through everything within my disposal what I have found, as so many have, is that the internet tends to exaggerate. I was told I have various of depression as well as several blood disorders, types of insomnia, and just so many other bizarre 1 in 20 million diseases. I’ve talked to my doctor about my sleeping habits and he suggested a regular exercise routine. I laughed and said that i have not been exercising the exact same way for most of my life and this was never an issue. He replied that exercise might help and I took his advice. To my surprise I only became more tired at night and had no more easier of a time falling asleep.

Generally once I do fall asleep I sleep hard. Then I wake up with a headache and due to other medical issues I have muscle aches in my back, knees, and sometimes various other parts of the body. I then walk through a day in my life which doesn’t contain much at this point. I was going to community college but I was unable to get classes this semester because none were available by the time i was able to pay for them. I work at my fathers company as a driver/warehouse assistant but due to the fact I can’t manage to regulate my sleeping patterns I either miss work, show up late, or go in on zero minutes of sleep which is incredibly challenging. an occasional 48 hour day isn’t my worst nightmare but I’m now doing this 1-2 times a week just so that I can make it to work as I need the money and hate disappointing my father. I have a girlfriend who I love more than life itself but she has so much family stuff that where once I’d go to her house to escape some of my own stress I’m now slightly relieved to escape her household. Not her to be clear. The specific nature of her troubles keep her fairly tied down to staying home constantly. The most we get out for is running an errand because her parent cannot. I love her and I’m trying so hard to be strong because she has it bad too but i just don’t know what I’m doing. I’m a kid. I’m trying to learn but at then end of the day there’s just so much that I don’t know how to handle and I feel like I’m loosing my youth to stressing out over mine and everyone else’s problems in my life. I just want to be a kid once in a while. I want to make dumb mistakes and have fun. I can handle a month of stress but I need a day or two where i get to be happy. That would sustain me.

So I’m trapped in the fabled circle of stress where at this point you could stop adding things to my shit list and I could perpetually freak out about what’s already there for eternity. I live in fear of what will come next. I try to make positive plans for the future and that causes me stress because it seems making good plans only allows space for something bad to come along and ruin it. For example I had planned a 10 day ski trip over my winter break. Instead my girlfriend’s parent suffered a sudden medical emergency which has left her partially incapacitated for the foreseeable future. I spent several hours pulling together classes for the coming semester only to have the slots filled in the 15 minutes it took me from when I closed my laptop to when I went to pay for my spot. At this point I’m legitimately scared to think I can be happy.

Why I think I don’t sleep…

It’s what I want. At this point the only time I can control control whats happening is when everyone else is asleep. So my mind won’t let me sleep. It knows that at night no one bothers me. There’s nothing to be done and when I sleep through most of the day I have to spend less time with the world around me. I want it to stop. I want so badly to live my life again instead or making it pass by as quickly as possible.

I started using sleeping pills but they made things worse. I’d take them an hour before i wished to go to sleep (the directions said 30 minutes) but they wouldn’t kick in until several hours later and then I’d be knocked out for so long that i may as well have stuck to just not sleeping at all.

I don’t know if I’m asking for help at this point or if I’m just trying to make sense of things for myself but I know I’m messed up right now, and I know I can’t last like this. It is with that I wish everyone else a good night’s rest and remember something as simple as sleep might be worth gold to your neighbor so count your sleep as a blessing. It is.